Knightmare Lexicon - A Knightmare Encyclopædia

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1. Team 5 of Series 4
From TES issue 63 (May 2010)
 [Related Image] Series 4
Quest: The Shield of Justice.
Dungeoneer: Vicky James.
Advisors: Sarah, Susannah and Katrina.
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Home town: Wymondham, Norfolk.
Team score: 4½ out of 10.
 [Related Image] Perhaps it was a good thing that these suspected Amazons had the shortest journey to Norwich of any team, as their attempt to conquer the Knightmare Dungeon was barely worth the price of the petrol/train fare!
 [Related Image] Level One: A slightly wobbly trip through the Place of Choice leads (as usual) to the chamber of Dooris, where the team scores a notably average two out of three. Vicky goes on to make the obligatory pact with Hordriss, who is this time after a potion, which he says is clearly marked as his property. With the eye shield on her arm, Vicky proceeds to the Forest of Dunn, where Treguard and Pickle give the team a lengthy warning about assassins. Predictably, Vicky then comes across an assassin in a clearing, and has to shout at it in order to scare it away, a task which she carries out in an unbelievably unconvincing manner.

Oakley’s glade follows, where (after Oakley has scared off a couple of goblins) the team scores three out of three, much to the obvious surprise of Treguard and Pickle. Despite this impressive score, Oakley does not give them any advice, and Vicky leaves the clearing with a key and a necklace in hand, having rejected a jar labelled Stealth. Predictably, Dungarth is the next port of call, where Vicky is accosted by an ogre. The Stealth would undoubtedly have been useful here, but Vicky manages to distract the ogre with the necklace and run past, much to Pickle’s surprise: ”I think you may have done it, team, well done!” – Pickle.
 [Related Image] After running past a giant lizard, Vicky arrives at the wellway, where Fatilla is on guard. He has a list of people who are authorised to go down the well, but as he is apparently unable to read, he relies on Vicky to tell him whether or not her name is on the list. Fortunately, the advisors are quick to realise that Vicky should answer in the affirmative, which she does. Fatilla still wants a tip, a situation for which the necklace would surely have been useful, but as he is not the brightest of guards, Vicky manages to fob him off with the key, assuring him that ”it will open… lots of doors”, which is a prospect that Fatilla appears to relish immensely. He allows Vicky to climb into the well, and she descends to level two.
 [Related Image] Level Two: Vicky lands in a room where Gundrada is mooching about, and is promptly mistaken for a dwarf. A chaotic scene ensues, involving far too much panicking and far too little brainwork, but eventually Vicky manages to convince Gundrada that she is not a dwarf. Gundrada proposes (not entirely uniquely) to accompany the dungeoneer further into the level, and once Vicky is standing next to her, she is gracious enough to acknowledge her mistake: ”You’re quite tall, actually, I suppose you don’t really look like a dwarf at all.” – Gundrada.
 [Related Image] However, Vicky’s friendship with Gundrada is short-lived. They find Mellisandre in some stocks, and Gundrada presents the team with the choice of leaving the maid to her fate, or doing without the help of the compassionless Sword Mistress. Sensibly, the team decides to free Mellie, which is undoubtedly the right thing to do, even though they get absolutely nothing in return. Bereft of the company of both Gundrada and Mellisandre, Vicky arrives in Merlin’s chamber, where the team’s fate is sealed. As usual in this series, Merlin has dressed himself up in Cedric’s old costume and is planning to test the team’s wits in an unusual fashion: ”As for this guardian, I’m beginning to find his style of trickery somewhat familiar.” – Treguard.
 [Related Image] Merlin has set himself up as the Guardian of the Chamber of Opposite Extraction, which means that everything he says is the opposite of what he means. He asks the team three oppositely phrased questions, and they are soon completely lost in confusion. (Despite the fact that they don’t make any real attempt to get to grips with the challenge, it seems to me that they don’t know any of the answers anyway, so I think they would have been doomed here even if Merlin had been speaking coherently!) With no questions answered correctly, Merlin says that he is awarding them a spell called SPRINT, which means that he isn’t awarding them a spell called SPRINT.
 [Related Image] Without this vital magic, the team would have been doomed in Ariadne’s lair later in the level, but as the series is entering its latter stages and no one has won for almost two years, Vicky is quickly killed off at the Block and Tackle. Treguard tries to persuade us that Merlin’s magic was required for this challenge rather than for Ariadne (”A magic room, team, and magic may help you get through it!”) but he’s not fooling anyone! He even tries to convince us again once Vicky has been squashed by a block: ”Magic could have saved you, but I’m afraid you didn’t earn it, team.” – Treguard. Yes, Treguard, magic could have saved them, but not directly!

Summary: A very forgettable team with a very unresponsive dungeoneer, and three advisors who never really pulled themselves out of the realms of bare mediocrity. They coasted along until they were required to really get their brains into gear, at which point things fell apart rapidly.

[Previous team: Team 4 of Series 4
Next team: Team 6 of Series 4]

Provided By: Eyeshield, 2010-06-20 13:08:05
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