Knightmare Lexicon - A Knightmare Encyclopædia

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1. Season 2 Team 5
From: Ashford, Kent
Quest: Crown but they may not wear it!
Duration: 25 minutes
Result: Died on Level 2
Trivia: First team to start a quest in a clue room

Characters: Olgarth of Legend, Mildread, Gretel, Merlin, Oracle of Confusion, Mindless Mechanical Warrior / Automatum, Catacombite, Mogdread
Clue Objects: Fish, Ground Bats Wings, Silver, Flagon, Gauntlet, Soap, Scroll
Spells: DOWN

Quest Summary
Level 1, Level 2, Final Thoughts

The Team
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Tony (Dungeoneer)

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They're handed the quest on a plate yet fail to follow simple advice. The team is reasonably amicable but fail to standout from the crowd in any way. Rather simply they're the bog standard screwed up in a clue room team. The quest is seriously lacking interaction with any dungeon characters too unlike other quests they only have a single physical encounter with any characters. There's no Cedric, Gumboil, Lillith or even Folly on this quest making it rather dry. There's not even any decent spellcasting to add a bit of interest to the quest just the poorly tacked on Monster's Stomach sequence, but that's because they hardly met anyone to give them magic. Thankfully it is lightened by Mildread insulting Gretel and later Merlin's rather bizarre appearance with his new 3G phone. It could even be said to be the easiest of all the quests thus far since their error was just simply not listening to free advice, they had to do nothing to earn their way through. Having said all that... Deans hair was a nice blast from boy band past.
Level 1
Does one really need this describing for the fifth time? *Yawn* It's a fancy effect and everything and a damn sight better than the dice room thing in Season 3 but jeez some variety please!
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Oh wait we do have variety for this time it's a meteorite! Quick take cover dive it will destroy us all. "Meteorite" is on this occasion how one adviser described the delightful effect which actually looks a lot like the loom in Lucas arts excellent point and click adventure... LOOM. When Tony is told to pull the lever we don't even get to see the wheel stop! It continues rotating as the production team insert their fancy transition effect. So maybe this time it really is a wheel of fortune, or playing into the hands of the production team at least.
 [Related Image] Well analysis of the footage in question shows that the chamber that was on display as Tony pulled the lever was the older clue room of the two, and that is exactly where he ends up. What better start could they ask for, that's surely a third shaved off their time in level 1 already. Fortunately the advisors don't bother giving a detailed description of the room, it's simple and functional. "A door to your right and a table in the middle". They could just say "you're in that clue room they used last series" but all too often it seems none of teams appearing on Knightmare actually watch the show to know what it is they're encountering. Treguard pipes up with his old man talk "Well done team well done, fate has been kind to you. You've avoided much peril and jumped straight to the level 1 clue room. Now don't waste your good fortune, all must be earned team, all must be earned. Your first trial is imminent." He seems to have acquired a bit of a stutter in the repetition of sentences. But alas he's predicted well that the wall monster is due to appear for the first set of riddles.
 [Related Image] "I am Olgarth of Legend. Face me or perish. Please me or depart without a laugh(?)" the last word is not very clear and one of the core problems with the wall monsters is their inability to speak clearly. It's like trying to communicate using English with people in Leicester. Well he says he has 3 riddles that he's acquired from The Times newspaper to test the team with.

1. Scissors cut something, yet rock breaks scissors, then something covers rock. No one can win this game, but what is something?
Answer: Paper
Answer Given: Paper
Result: Truth Accepted.

The advisors think its paper, but just to be sure they ask Tony "what do you think?". He disagrees and says "yes" oh dear looks like they're going to have to choose between "paper" and "yes". They of course picked paper and instruct Tony to speak the answer. An easy start.

2. Some warriors like to fight in troops, and some in regimental bands. But name me now the tutored (??? ... Speak clearly Olgarth!) hordes who take the fields and fight in clans.

Answer: Scotsmen
Answer Given: Army
Result: Falsehood

A much harder one compared to the first, the team are totally clueless muttering things such as "Red Indians" and "maybe the Army". Dean has an inclination Olgarth is talking about Scottish warriors. Olgarth starts getting impatient as usual. But this sensible thinking is ignored and they go with the dumb answer. They get a time out after this riddle though, so should give them plenty of time to revise for riddle 3.

3. Spill the salt and earn bad luck, what action clears the matter up?

Answer: Throw salt with right hand over your left shoulder
Answer Given: Left hand over your right shoulder
Result: Truth Accepted.

The team is quick off the mark with this one, all that revision paid off. But the answer is somewhat disputable. Traditionally the devil is said to sit on ones left shoulder (yet another anti-left handed people propaganda move) according to the superstition so this would make their answer technically incorrect even though they're thinking on the correct lines. They're let off though and the answer is accepted.

"Two is the score, find the maid to learn your quest. The fish is off today. Rock I was and rock I now become". Olgarth clearly not wanting to do much work today is handing over the job of assigning a quest to Gretel the Maid, guess what that means folks! Olgarth returns to his rock hard stoney silence.
 [Related Image] The team seem to not totally comprehend that Tony can see the clue objects directly beneath him instructing briefly to feel for the objects! Or perhaps Tony thinks he's cheating if he looks and the whole team is confused on the issue. Regardless they take the rotten apple to replenish the inconsequential life force and analyse further. The objects available are:

A fish
A bottle of ground bats wings
A Bar of Silver

They instruct Tony to take the bottle and the box (misidentified the silver), they didn't really need warning that the fish is off nobody would opt to carry around a smelly fish. The team begin to compete for giving directions by simultaneously saying the same things to guide Tony out of the room.
 [Related Image] Good old Scorpion chamber next, "There's a sting in this tail, and it's deadly. Agility is called for" says Treguard with a strange tone of delight. The team guide Tony directly forwards towards the tail and then tell him to stop exactly in line with where it strikes. But they're very lucky the tail doesn't reach where Tony is standing. Still they waste time guiding him further right and then tell him to shuffle forwards, hesitating a little in the process.

Ah further fun to be had, clearly the choice of different styles of games. Cards or Chess, or as Treguard puts it "A game of luck or a game of skill". The team decide upon playing the horse orientated game of the two. One of the very few occasions where teams can make a direct impact on what chamber they turn up in next.
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For the record neither option has much to do with luck, though Combat chess does require some logical thinking and understanding of chess piece moves. Dean in the meantime is more interested in picking his pencil up off the floor and blocking every ones view.
 [Related Image] So Combat Chess it is, game on! "Oh dear, this is not chess as you know it but combat chess. Remember, Tony yours is the knights move and you must be careful not to step off your own game squares. The trouble here is the enemy bishop is deadly, and you are quite vulnerable. You must move only when it is your move, safe exit is your target. The game is on, and it's your move". Tony (the advisor) gives instructions with one of the others simply saying when to "stop". The roles then switch over. After the first move some planning occurs. Treguard offers sage advice "think ahead team where's he likely to land. Plan your strategy". They realise they've made a slightly poor choice and so Treguard informs them they can move backwards. The Bishop makes some equally bad moves.

Ah the good old lion head laser room. "Caution team, food here but guess who's coming to dinner" says Treguard as he descends into ever increasing madness for there's nobody coming for dinner except Tony and nobody else does turn up. The team guide Tony around the table and instruct him to take an entire Chicken! It only just fits into the knapsack, greedy dungeoneer. The lasers from the lion gargoyle thing begin shooting away tiles from the floor always managing to miss the central section.
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They tell Tony to run forward and he does so almost into one of the gaping holes. The camera cuts away just as he's abouts to run into it back to the advisors so knowing the Knightmare production team he probably did die. He side steps out of danger, runs further forwards, again to the right and is out of the room. The advisors can't believe how hard it was "that was ...." and other exasperation's of relief.
 [Related Image] Hooray for it's people in the dungeon! Oh delay that cheer it's Gretel, but she's accompanied by the superior Mildread. Perhaps Mildread is going to cook her. Mmm Veal. Gretel poses and fans herself with a herb cutting whilst holding out her dress to one side, why she's doing this is anyone but Gretel's guess. Mildread makes an effort to greet Tony into her chamber complete with cool lighting effects. "Dratted little dungeoneers, interfering tackle pot. Gretel tell that young person to go away, we're busy" she prompts Gretel to speak and immediately makes us all wish she hadn't. Life force damage team Gretel is speaking to you but you forgot the sock for her mouth.

"Oh but we're not really, we can't be busy if we can't find the right ingredients can we. Hallo my name's Gretel what are you called?" Gretel introduces herself in the vomit inducing manner that only she's familiar with
"Miss Piggy", says Tony. He doesn't really but it sounds better.
"Tony! Well Tony you haven't come a questing at a good time you know. Mildread was going to make me an everlasting beauty spell *girls giggle* and I promised to help her if she would. Trouble is she hasn't got any frogs eyes, have you got some Tony?" asks Gretel in a stupidly girlish way that makes even the likes of Paris Hilton seem sophisticated
"Have you?" enquires Mildred
"No" says Tony
"What have you got then boy?" demands Mildread
"Ground bats wings" states Tony
"Ground bats wings? Ooh bats wings aye, well then no good for beauty spell but I'll keep it. It may well come in useful." thinks Mildread
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"Well what can you make then Mildread?" Gretel asks rather sarcastically
"You just said it! You just said it! I can make a well spell with bats wings" proclaims Mildread
"Mildread are you sure?" asks Gretel
"Sure? Sure? Course I'm sure flibbertigibbet. Wing of bat and toadstool spell conjure up a deep dark well"
"Oooooh well there you are!", screams Gretel with glee
 [Related Image] "Don't forget your quest team the maid may have information for you", Treguard says reminding them that Gretel does in fact have a purpose in life.
"A quest you say? Yes I do know know something about your quest, your quest is for the crown but you may not wear it. Also you are to have a spell it's called DOWN now come on into the well you go 'cos we've got important things to do", announces Gretel getting back onto script.
"It's not beauty she needs, it's a brain *cackle* a brain *cackle further*" jokes Mildread as Tony departs down the wellway, and Mildread's right too. So despite this entertaining affair Tony must depart straight down towards Level 2.

Well not exactly, see Gretel being the psychic sort, or rather just knowing Mildread's tricks was gifted with the rare insight to know Tony would need a DOWN spell to get out of what follows. This ultimately is just padding for the level really.
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"Oh dear Mildread's fooled you, she hasn't sent you into Level 2, she's sent you into a monster's stomach instead. Now you'd better do something fast for the gruesome business of digestion has begun" warns Treguard with a really worrying sound of delight. He really is the bad guy. The team discuss their options and if they had longer they'd probably even try silver poisoning if they could. But Dean is given the task of using their one and only spell so far which they just received from Gretel. And so Dean spellcasts DOWN and it's down Tony goes with a loud burp.

Could this quest be the winner of easiest Level 1 ever? Straight into the clue room from the start with no initial challenges, they received two very easy riddles and one of relatively medium difficulty making the score of two not a difficult one to achieve. As with most they're told which object not to take thus revealing which two they require. Everything that follows is a series of obstacles that rely upon providing adequate directions. The team are not good at giving the task of directing to just one and suffer because of this but still get through this issue in the end. However the obstacles are not challenging and no other teams that have encountered them have ever actually died on them. At no point are any of their clue objects required, and they don't encounter any characters at all. Until the end, where they finally make use of one of their clue objects which gains them access to level 2 via Mildread's cauldron. There were no passwords to deal with and the bar of silver was never used, it just disappears! At the very least this could've been used as a bribe for Gumboil or toll for Lilith. So whilst they were given a tough time in terms of guidance based puzzles none of it required much in the way of intelligence. It actually makes the teams before them seem like they got a tough ride through Level 1, especially the first Series 2 Team 1 team whom certainly were treated poorly and will forever be ranted about it. If they're given an equally easy ride on Level 2 & 3 like Marks team were then they're going to win. But any thinking and it could really spell their end, we shall see...

Level 2
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The usual Level 2 entrance chamber, but with a slightly different arrangement. No Cedric this time! Treguard is even unsettled by this lack of presence from the local mental home denizens. "Unusual team most unusual. Generally the portals of Level 2 are guarded examine objects with care although the food seems real enough"
On the table is a pie and a rather large flagon! Treguard indicates that the team should examine it further, Tony gives it a shake and then takes off the lid for a quick swig, he's thirsty after all the chicken & pie. Merlin then appears like a genie out of a bottle larger than life and rather faint. He's having hearing difficulties too, clearly an unacceptable level of service from his mobile phone provider.
"You're very distant, very vague, call louder!"
His words are very long and drawn out as though he's trying to make a bad situation worse. If you're familiar with Dory from Finding Nemo speaking in whale, it's much like that.
 [Related Image] "What dooo youu seek?"
"A crown" replies Tony following instruction from the chamber of answers
Sadly this response is not enough to keep Merlin's attention for too long and he decides to clear off.
"Ohhhh this really won't do, I'm not carrying on long distance conversations on spirit level it's far too tiresome. If you want help you're just going to have to find me. Look for me on rails, discover me in rocks. Beware Mogdred and whatever else you do for goodness sake don't *mumble wah*"
Treguard offers his view on the entire situation
"That's the trouble with wizards they're never there when you want them, and when they are they insist on being obscure."
So all in all a weird start to Level 2 but remaining in the same style as the previous level of presenting no standard level of challenge. Tony zig-zags his out of the room.
 [Related Image] Spookiness time, but not a ghost but the Oracle of Confusion. The team begin with making Tony fall down the stairs because his legs disappear and become translucent. If he were wearing Yellow then perhaps problems like this might not occur! He approaches the clue table and the team seem rather disinterested in the large female cloaked face in the background.
"Caution team, present here is the Oracle of confusion" Treguard points out since they're clearly blind
"It knows much but there is no order to its knowledge. It is sometimes best not to question it, but then again who knows" so here's Treguard being presumptuous all over again stating something as fact and then contradicting it entirely by stating nobody knows. He goes on...
"If you wish to hear its voice merely shut your eyes tightly and life the helmet of justice but do not open your eyes it could be very dangerous" offering a very mystical charm to the helmet of justice suggesting it in fact protects the wearer from the fabric of the dungeon itself. Either that or the Oracle is hideous to look at, one would be inclined to think the former.
And so the Oracle becomes audible as the Helmet of justice is raised and the built-in ear plugs disengaged. So on with the rambling...
"Time is coming it was past, dread mog causes all disruption. Soap will cleanse but not the spirit. Accept the challenge. Take the word but do not read it. All action is opposed, the way out is also the way back. The cure for disruption is unity. The time is coming, the time is coming, the time...."
So the analysis of what's been said and ignoring any errors in straining to hear some of the unclear words. There's a theme in the dialogue that suggests the time is coming for disruption and that unity is the cure. This is probably just padding but might be indication of how the Season will end. In fact had it been an end of Season encounter it would fit perfectly. Each clue object is clearly mentioned. The only one given any negative attribute is the soap in addition there's no indication it should be taken. The gauntlet is symbolic of the challenge which the team do not appear to realise and will become their downfall. The most obvious of the 3 is the reference to the scroll, but should they read it Tony will disintegrate and disease shall flourish whilst Treguard dances a merry dance.
 [Related Image] In case you missed all that the objects are:

A black glove probably worn by Hugo Myatt on his motorbike a.k.a The Gauntlet
A cube of Soap
A neatly tied Scroll

So having put the helmet of justice back in place after lifting by the horns and consequently breaking them off the team settle upon the soap & the scroll clearly paying very little attention to the Oracle. The team can blame Craig for this since he's the one that gives the instructions. You killed Tony, Craig! You illegitimate child of two consenting but unmarried adults! Don't you just love political correctness.

More jokes to be made of the graphics used on Knightmare. The team think the bridge is on fire, and who could blame them it really does look that way.
"You're on a bridge with fire on it, I think it's going to burn", Tony is informed.
Treguard begins to address the situation and point out that David Rowe is a talented artist and it's not his fault if his images are abused.
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"Something of interest here team but not fire I think, what do you think it could be?"
The team realise it's part of the crown! And get a little over excited about the object of their quest floating under the bridge. So they instruct Tony to get down on hands and knees and reach down for it, just showing that they used real raised platforms for some rooms and making it harder for the dungeoneer to fall off since they could see the beam. They struggle to guide Tony's arms into place and take their time in getting him to stand up, trying to tell him the best way to do it! The Mindless Mechanical Warrior follows shortly behind just like clockwork chasing Tony but not fast enough.
 [Related Image] Onto the Mills of Doom, another mechanical threat if ever Treguard saw one.
"Team these are the mills of doom, another mechanical threat if ever I saw one. Only the centres of each cog is safe. Don't delay now life force energy fading"
Not entirely correct as in fact almost all the cog is safe except the outer most rim.
The team use a rare technique of jumping from cog to cog meaning they need not be concerned with such issues as timing, shame the cogs didn't spin the dungeoneers round, this room could've killed many had they done so. The team does well to put this threat to shame and escape with ease.
 [Related Image] And now the team learn that they've effectively lost the quest. Treguard quickly intercepts the situation and points out the flaw in their plans for victory.
"Dire warning team! Catacombites if handled at all must be handled with kid gloves. Here you needed the Gauntlet to subdue this monster. It was the challenge you was told to accept. But of course you declined it."
And so Tony is told to simply walk on by and team already have started to realise the critical error and acknowledge it's all over.

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So as a small treat they're given a glimpse of Merlin in different makeup... Mogdred! For their death he kills them with his stunningly evil looks. They're invited to stay forever and thus die through lack of life force.
"Welcome to one of Mogdred's play pens dungeoneer, play a while play forever hahahaha etc ahem goodbye" Mogdred taunts. Treguard doesn't seem to think it's that much of a shame though and puts a positive spin on things. "Oh dear, well never mind I suppose even Mogdred's got to have some fun. You're out I'm afraid team so lets get you all safely out of the dungeon... Spellcasting DISMISS The team just wish he'd stop rubbing it in though and sit looking at white noise on the chest TV.
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Yours was a brave bid but now others are keen to challenge...

And boy oh boy we can't wait!

Final Thoughts
The team simply did not listen to the clue offered by the Oracle, or alternatively they didn't understand it. They should've died on level 1 with that kind of error really, with that kind of mistake but they were fortunate enough that so little of Level 1 required paying any attention to what characters had said because there weren't any. They only got as far as they did because all the challenges of the dungeon to that point had been very physical in nature. Almost all teams in this era die through taking the wrong objects, the floor puzzles kill very few and those that do are one of a kind incidences. They did appear to be perhaps the youngest of teams this season so this may be the reason why they were given a slightly easier time, but by now Martin's team is probably fuming at the raw deal they received at the start. It was nice to see such a large number of the floor based obstacles but with all quests balance really is the key to an entertaining one. Level 2 looked like it was going to build up to something pretty interesting but alas the team never did manage to reveal what lay in store. So with this forgettable quest behind us it leads nicely on to one of the most memorable.

Next Team: Season 2 Team 6 (Bet you can't wait for this one!)
Previous Team: Season 2 Team 4

Creating this entry took over 7 hours of time to produce. It's even longer for longer quests! If you'd like to see more of these write ups please provide some feedback or acknowledgement as it will help encourage me to spend precious time in producing more of them. Also if you feel you'd like to do one yourself but don't have any image capturing hardware then assistance can be given in this area. Also help can be given in producing the lexicon markup since often undocumented tags are used to produce these. Finally, any error corrections are appreciated.

Provided By: Forester, 2006-09-14 02:46:40
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2. Season 2 Team 5
From TES issue 62 (March 2010)

Series 2
Quest: The Crown.
Dungeoneer: Tony Butcher.
Advisors: Craig, Dean and Tony.
Home town: Ashford, Kent.
Team score: 5 out of 10.

This team followed hot on the heels of Knightmare’s first ever winners, Mark Wickson and chums, and made a fair yet unremarkable stab at conquering the Dungeon themselves.

Level One: Unusually, the Wheel of Fate leads straight to the clue room, where Olgarth is on guard. Despite a commendable score of two out of three, Olgarth remains tight-lipped and tells Tony to find the maid to learn his quest. From the clue table, the team chooses a bar of silver and a bottle of ground bats’ wings. A shuffle past the spectral scorpion leads to a choice of two doors, one bearing the symbol of a knight from a chess set, the other a pack of cards. By choosing the knight, this team becomes the first to attempt Combat Chess, which they complete with no major problems.

A roast chicken is grabbed with slightly less speed than would have been advisable in the room containing the Lion's Head and the Lasers, and then Tony arrives in Mildread’s cave, where Gretel and Mildread are trying to concoct an everlasting beauty spell. Mildread uses Tony’s bats’ wings to change her cauldron into a wellway, before Gretel tells him that his quest is for the Crown, and that he is to have a spell called DOWN. Once Tony has descended via the wellway, Treguard informs the team that Mildread has fooled them by sending Tony into a monster’s stomach instead of level two! They waste no time in casting the spell DOWN to escape… although surely it would have been preferable to go up!

Level Two: Tony lands in the usual first chamber of level two, but instead of Cedric and his insults, a solitary flagon is waiting for him. When Tony opens the flagon, an ethereal image of Merlin appears in the room. Merlin informs the team that they will have to find him in person to gain his help: ”Look for me on rails, discover me in rocks.” – Merlin. This seems to imply that Bumptious and his mine are due to make an appearance, but unfortunately the team makes a fatal mistake before we get a chance to find out. In the clue room, Tony listens to the Oracle of Confusion, which tells him to pick up a scroll and a gauntlet from the table: "Soap will cleanse but not the spirit. Accept the challenge. Take the word but do not read it." – Oracle of Confusion. Unfortunately, the advisors misinterpret the creature’s clues, and reject the gauntlet in favour of the soap.

In the Bridged Vale, Tony is forced to lie down on the bridge and reach over the side to collect a piece of the Crown, whilst being chased by the Automatum – tense moments indeed! A quick jaunt across the Mills of Doom leads to the chamber of the catacombite, where it becomes clear that the team is doomed: ”You needed the gauntlet to subdue this monster. It was the challenge you were told to accept, but of course you declined it! Now you must find what exit you may.” – Treguard. Forced to exit through the wrong door, the team arrives in an identical room, but this time the exits are all barred with portcullises. Mogdred’s image appears in front of Tony and proclaims his imminent death in no uncertain terms, with one of Knightmare's best-loved quotes: "Welcome to one of Mogdred’s little playpens, dungeoneer. Play awhile… play forever!" – Mogdred.

Summary: A somewhat average team and a somewhat average attempt, but at least they had a lot of fun!

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[Previous team: Team 4 of Series 2
Next team: Team 6 of Series 2

Team photo courtesy of Tony Lee Williams]

Provided By: Eyeshield, 2010-04-27 19:16:33
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