Knightmare Lexicon - A Knightmare Encyclopædia

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1. Knighty Knight Mare
Unusual fanfic combining the shows Knightmare and ChuckleVision, written by a then 15-year-old Billy Hicks. The idea was conceived while the author was stuck in a very long and boring traffic jam on the motorway from Birmingham to London, with entire scenes already existing in his head by the time he returned home early the next morning. He immediately began to write it down, and after several hours the first draft was completed the same day, Sunday 25th July 2004.

The plot features Paul and Barry Chuckle, the 'Chuckle Brothers' appearing on the show Knightmare, much to the surprise of Treguard who normally has teams of four children but now has to manage a team consisting of two middle-aged men instead. The Knightmare series is based on Series 3 as this is the series that was being shown on Challenge at the time, and notably, an episode of ChuckleVision featuring Hugo Myatt was shown on the CBBC Channel at the same time.

Billy described the fanfic in Knightmare Chat at the time as "something never even attempted before in a Knightmare fanfic...something that I imagine no one would even dare to attempt". It is believed to be the only ChuckleVision fanfic written in human history, even today, and features both Knightmare characters like Treguard, Golgarach and Hordriss, as well as ChuckleVision regulars such as Jimmy and Brian Patton. Also included are references to Knightmare Chat crazes of the time, such as White Hole and numerous puns involving types of fish.

The fanfic was submitted to the website, but was very quickly withdrawn for the reasons "Not allowed: interactive, chat/script, real person, mst, and etc.". While some of these are valid reasons, others are not true and appear to be in error. It is possible that they simply thought it was crap. Nevertheless, Billy continued to make minor revisions to the script (including adding an Astro Farm joke which was later removed as it didn't fit in well) throughout 2004 and into 2005, some being suggested by others who had read the fanfic, which until now is believed to be a total of about three people.

As the fanfic is not available anywhere else on the internet, it follows here in its entirety, last modified October 2005 although essentially identical to the original July 2004 version. The following work was written by a bored, slightly lonely 15 year old and no attempt has been made to clean up the fanfic to make it more sane.


(Opening titles)
(Paul and Barry are sitting on a park bench. Paul is reading a newspaper and laughing)
Paul: Heh heh! Hey, Barry, take a look at this! These cartoons get better every day!
Barry: I dunno why they're called cartoons. Where are all the cars? And the tunes?
Paul: (Points) Well, that one's got a car in. And look, that radio's playing a tune.
(Barry puts ear to newspaper)
Paul: What are you doing?
Barry: I'm trying to hear the tune...hey-hey, it's 'Doing the Do' by Betty Boo!
Paul: You can't hear anything from a newspaper!
Barry: I can! Listen!
(Paul shrugs, puts ear to newspaper and faintly hears the song)
Paul: It's a miracle!
Barry: I just said it was Doing the Do!
Paul: No, I...
(Paul turns around and realises the noise is coming from a radio in a nearby house)
Paul: Heh! Told you it wasn't coming from the newspaper! It's coming from that radio over there!
(Barry turns around and looks whilst Paul turns to another page)
Barry: Silly me!
Paul: Silly you! (notices something in the paper) Hey! They're bringing back Knightmare!
Barry: Why, did it get lost?
Paul: No no no no no, it used to be on ITV, then it stopped, and now it's coming back!
Barry: Oh. (looks confused)
Paul: Say, do you think we should try and get on it?
Barry: Do you think we should try and get on it?
Paul: I just said that!
Barry: I know, you told me to say it! Still, good idea.
Paul: I agree. Let's go!
(Barry exits stage left, whilst Paul exits stage right. After a short pause, Paul runs back and turns Barry so he's facing the other way)
Paul: A-di-di-di-di-di! Justice lies on the right!
(Paul exits stage right again, and Barry follows)
Barry: I wonder if it tells the truth on the left?
(P&B are standing front of a huge castle- Knightmare Castle. On cue, lightning strikes, just like in the old title sequence)
Paul: There we are! Let's go inside!
Barry: I don't like this, Paul.
Paul: Don't worry, it's just a bit of lightning. Won't do us any harm!
(Another lightning strike is heard, followed by a scream. Barry looks at Paul nervously)
Paul: Like I said, it won't do US any harm! Come on!
(They walk towards the castle...)
(Interior of Knightmare castle. We slowly pan across the antechamber, in all it's glory. Then we hear unusual beeping sounds as we come to the's Treguard, playing a Game Boy. He seems to be doing quite well, until he loses his last life.)
Treguard: (Calmly) Oh dear, what a pity, never mind. (He throws the Game Boy into the fire) BLASTED MODERN TECHNOLOGY! (Sighs) If there isn't a new phase soon, I'm going to go...(hears end of Knightmare theme in the background)...ah! At last! This phase of the dungeon has now begun...(looks at us)...and I see you watchers are back as always, too! Well, without further ado...ENTER, STRANGER!
(P&B fade in)
P&B: 'Ello-o!
(Treguard stares blankly at these two individuals for a moment)
Treguard: this a joke?
Barry: No, I'm a Barry, he's a Paul. We're the Chuckle Brothers!
Treguard: I see. (under breath) Oh well, anything's better than nothing, I s'pose. (back to normal voice) Very well, Barry and Paul...
Paul: Paul and Barry.
Treguard: ...Paul and Barry, call your advisors, and let them introduce themselves.
Paul: Oh no, none of that, just me and Barry here!
Treguard: You mean to say you don't have any advisors?
Barry: No, not even any adhelmets.
Treguard: (groans) Alright, then one of you has to be the dungeoneer, and one of you can be the sole advisor.
P&B: (They both point at each other) He'll be the dungeoneer. (They both point at themselves) I'll be the...
Paul: Tell you what, toss a coin. (takes a coin out of his pocket). Heads you win, tails I lose. Right?
Barry: Sounds fair.
Paul: (Tosses the coin, lands on heads) Heads! You get to be the dungeoneer! And I'll be the advisor, 'cause I'm the brains of the outfit, you know.
Barry: Outfits don't have brains!
Paul: Yes they do; they're just very small. So small, you can't even see them.
Barry: Look who's talking...
Paul: Watch it!
Treguard: Erm, are we ready?
Barry: I'm more of a bluey, that's my favourite colour.
Treguard: Barry, take this knapsack for food, but place only food in it! You'll need it to sustain your sprite of energy. Your advisors...(looks at Paul, who waves back)...erm, advisor will be your eyes, and his voice will reach you through the helmet.
Barry: I didn't know you were a ventriloquist, Paul!
Paul: Neither did I!
Treguard: I, of course, will be with you. And yet, NOT with you. Use logic and guile to find the right path, and remember- the only way is onward, there is no turning back.
Barry: Would it be OK if I used logic and E. Honda instead? He's my favourite character!
Treguard: Let's just get on with it for now, shall we? Your life force is condition green, and your spirits are turn, face the dungeon door, and take a step boldly forwards!
(Treguard puts the helmet on Barry. He walks towards us)
Treguard: And another.
(Barry takes a tiny step forward)
Treguard: One more.
Barry: (takes a huge step forward, and bangs his head on the camera) Ow!
Treguard: Mind the wall!
Barry: (walks into first room) Where am I?
Paul: How am I meant to know? You're the one who's actually there! I'm just watching you through this colour telly!
Treguard: Magic Mirror. Since justice is blind, team, you'll have to describe where he is and find an exit.
Paul: Oh, right. Barry, you're in a room with four walls, and the one in front of you has an open door in the middle.
Barry: How am I going to get out?
Paul: Not sure.
Barry: Not sure? You're meant to be my sole advisor!
Paul: Well, I'd prefer it if I was a haddock advisor, but that's a different story!
Barry: Could you say that again, I'm a little hard of herring...
Treguard: Don't you start! You could try asking him to walk forward.
Paul: Not now, I'm thinking. (pause) Hey-hey! I know! Barry, walk forward!
Treguard: Quite.
Barry: (walks forward into next room) Where am I?
Paul: There's red and blue tiles on the floor, and a table in the middle. Try walking to the table.
Barry: (does so) Hey, there's a pineapple, a bar of gold, a diamond and a ruby!
Paul: We're rich!
Barry: Yeah, we could make a fortune out of that pineapple!
Paul: No no no no no, put that in the knapsack!
(Barry puts the pineapple in the knapsack)
Treguard: Clue rooms are often guarded, team. In fact, I think I hear one arriving now.
Barry: Another clue room?
(Golgarach appears in the clue room wall)
Paul: Aaagh! A big ugly face has appeared in the wall! Get out of there!
(Barry starts to run)
Golgarach: Turn, intruder! Face me or perish!
Paul: Do as he says!
Barry: But you told me to...
Golgarach: I have riddles, and truth is what I seek.
Barry: (turns to face him) Have you tried looking down the sofa? I've found lots of interesting things down the sofa.
Golgarach: Here is my first. What heavenly being is the hypothetical antithesis of a black hole?
Barry: So what is it, Paul?
Paul: I've never seen one before, Barry, I don't think anyone has, but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
Barry: A white hole?
Paul: Yes, see, every action has an equal and opposite...
Golgarach: Truth accepted.
Barry: Phew, we almost got stuck in a time loop there.
Paul: You can say that again.
Barry: Phew, we almost...
Golgarach: Here is my second. If a butterfly flapping it's wings in Aberdeen causes a car crash in London, what would happen if a butterfly flapped it's wings in Birmingham?
Paul: Tricky one.
Barry: The tide would come back in at Weston-super-Mare!
Paul: Aah! No! That isn't going to be the answe...
Golgarach: Truth accepted.
Paul: Eh?
Golgarach: 2 is the score, you may know more. Your quest is for the cup, yet you may not drink from it.
Barry: Not even if I put Ribena in it?
Paul: Shouldn't there be 3 riddles?
Golgarach: In days of yore there were, but it has since come to pass that two's company and three's a crowd.
Paul: I thought they were numbers.
Golgarach: All that glitters is not gold. Diamonds and Rubies will prove to be invaluable later on. Pass on. (disappears)
Barry: What should we take?
Paul: (Scribbles things down on clipboard) Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Take the gold!
Treguard: Team, if all that glitters is not gold, then surely taking the gold isn't a wise move?
Paul: Hmm, you're right. Barry, take the gold and the diamond.
Barry: I think we should take the diamond and the ruby.
Paul: Well...alright, but don't blame me if you end up getting blown to bits in the next room! Take them, turn to your right, and walk forward.
Barry: (does so) Where am I?
Paul: You're still in the same room, keep walking. (thinking) Weston-super-Mare?
Barry: Oh. (keeps walking)
Barry: NOW where am I?
Paul: You're in a green room with what looks like a wellway in the middle.
Treguard: Ah, you've reached the end of Level 1! Climb in the wellway to enter Level 2!
Paul: Is that it? That was an unusually quick Level 1!
Treguard: Well, the person writing this fanfic tends to run out of ideas at around this point. Plus, his fingers are getting tired.
Paul: Eh?
Treguard: Nothing.
Paul: Oh. Barry, do what the man says. Sidestep 5 paces left, and walk forward.
Barry: I'm not getting in that well! I'll get soaked!
Paul: Nah, they'll have drained all the water out by now.
Barry: Ah. (jumps in well, large splash sound is heard) Yeeeeuck!
Barry: (rinsing the water out of the knapsack) Where I am?
(A man walks into the room, looking oddly familiar from somewhere)
Paul: Barry, you're in a brown room full of stones, and someone's just appeared.
Treguard: Ah, I haven't seen this face in the dungeon before!
Man: Welcome, Barry.
Barry: How do you know my name?
Man: I heard your brother say it as I came in.
Barry: Oh, I was hoping for something more magical.
Man: Alright...I read your mind using my mystic powers, passed on through generations.
Barry: That's better!
Man: I don't suppose you know who I am?
Barry: No, but I do know Chopsticks.
Man: I was wondering if you could do a deed for me. If you succeed, you shall be richly rewarded.
Barry: Sorry, I can only do a Waltz.
Paul: A-di-di-di-di-di! A deed is another name for an errand, not a dance!
Barry: 'Course it is! Silly me!
Paul: Silly you!
Man: I am seeking an item that belonged to my great great grandfather... clock. It is the gold pendulum, and went missing in this level some time ago.
Barry: Oh well, at least it wasn't new!
Man: Will you help me find it?
Barry: Sure!
Man: Oh, good! I expect to see you again in 5 minutes. Goodbye for now.
Paul: (Jots more stuff down on clipboard) Ok Barry, sidestep two paces right and walk forward.
Man: Oh, and remember...NO SLACKING!
Paul: You heard him! Walk quicker!
Barry: Alright, alright! (walks through door)
Barry: I am where?
Paul: You're standing on a ledge. There's an old man with red streaks in his hair standing in the way of the exit, and a lot of worms under the ledge.
Treguard: Ah, this man may have something you're looking for. I suggest you talk to him...but be polite.
Barry: (walks up to man) 'Ello-o!
Hordriss: Hello, YOUR MAJESTY?
Barry: Oh, just call me Barry!
Hordriss: What do you want from me? I hope you aren't wasting my time, otherwise you'll certainly pay for it.
Barry: Sorry, no money!
Treguard: Try asking him about a certain pendulum, before he blows his top!
Barry: Do you know where we can find a certain pendulum? Someone's lost one.
Hordriss: You mean...(pulls huge pendulum from robes)...this one?
Paul: Yes! That's the one! Grab it off him!
Hordriss: ...but if you want it, then I shall require something in return. I don't suppose you have a ruby on you?
Paul: Fine, give him the ruby.
Hordriss: (receives the ruby from Barry) Ah, excellent. My favourite. (eats it, whilst Paul pulls a face)
Barry: What's he doing?
Paul: You don't wanna know!
Hordriss: Here we are. (Gives Barry pendulum)
Barry: Erm, it's a bit heavy...mind helping me carry it through the door?
Hordriss: Of course. To one!
Barry: To you!
Hordriss: To one!
Barry: To you! (They eventually get it through the door)
Barry: Am I where?
Paul: No, you're in another wellway room. That Level 2 was even shorter than Level 1!
Treguard: If nothing else happens soon, team, your quest may end here. Life force energy critical!
(The man from earlier walks in)
Paul: Hey, it's him again! That guy who lost the pendulum!
Man: Hello again. Have you found it?
Barry: I have!
Man: You haven't!
Barry: I have!
Man: You haven't!
Barry: I have!
Man: Have you?
Barry: Yes! Here you go! (Accidentally drops it on the man's foot)
Man: YEEEEEEOW! What did you do that for?
Barry: Sorry, I've always had clumsy fingers!
Man: Oh well, at least it was an accident. Since you returned the pendulum to me, I shall give you two gifts. The first is some well needed food. (takes out Treguard PEZ dispenser from pocket and gives one of the candies to Barry)
Barry: (Puts it in his knapsack, life force energy restored) Mmm, cherry flavour, my favourite!
Man: (Puts dispenser back in pocket) And the second is a spell, called WEATHER.
Barry: That'll be W E F F O R, then?
Paul: That's the worst spell of weather I've seen in ages!
Man: I wish you good luck in your quest, Barry, as you proceed to Level 3. Farewell! (walks out the room, carrying pendulum)
Barry: What a nice man.
Paul: A very nice man.
Treguard: A very very nice man.
Paul: (Adds things to clipboard) This is getting exciting, isn't it? We might even win! All thanks to me, of course.
Barry: Yeah, yeah. And that guy was right, it IS a fair well. Could do with a clean, but fair all the same.
Treguard: Team, I suggest progressing to Level 3 whilst your life force is healthy.
Barry: Well?
Treguard: No, Healthy.
Paul: I think he want to know where it is- turn to your left, take a few steps forward, and climb into the well.
Barry: Ta muchly. (Follows instructions)
Barry: I where am?
Paul: You're in a dark blue room with two doors, one on the left, one on the right. Go through the right door.
Barry: Where's that?
Paul: On the right, silly!
Barry: Remember, I can't see anything with this upside down bucket on my head!
Treguard: Now now, I wouldn't call it that. I prefer the term 'downside up bucket'.
Paul: Fair enough. (turns back to Barry) Sidestep right twice, then walk forward.
(Barry does so)
Barry: Am where I?
Paul: You're in a dark room with a exit on the other end.
Barry: Oh good, I've been meaning to develop my holiday photos for some time!
Paul: Not that kind of dark room! Walk forward!
(Just as Barry's about to walk forward, a huge blade comes down and hits the floor)
Paul: STOP!
(Barry does so as the blade rises up again)
Paul: That was close. How are we gonna get past this? Every time we walk forward, it's going to try and slice you in half!
Treguard: What you need, team, is something hard to jam it.
Paul: Got it! Barry, put your head under the blade.
Barry: No!
Paul: Alright, try the diamond.
(Barry throws the diamond on the floor as the blade slams down on it, and gets stuck trying to slice it)
Paul: Hey-hey! I knew it! Ok Barry, walk forward, stop, jump over the blade, and walk forward.
Barry: I'll try my best. (Clears the obstacle with ease)
Paul: That was clever!
Barry: I was always good at the long jump on Sports Day. (walks through door)
Barry: Where am I?
Paul: You're in what looks like an empty room, save for that cup in the middle. Cup?! That's it! That's the cup! We've found it!
Barry: At last!
Paul: Well, go and get it! Walk forward!
(Barry walks forward and touches it...when huge hailstones start raining down)
Barry: Cast the spell!
Paul: I've forgotten it!
Barry: Eh? I thought you wrote it down?
Paul: No, I've just been drawing! See? (Holds clipboard up to magic mirror, revealing a crude cartoon version of 'Super Paul' flying through the air) Good, eh?
Barry: I can't see it, and don't want to! We're doomed!
Paul: Ask that person over there!
Billy: Nothing to do with me, I'm just making a self-indulgent cameo appearance in my own fanfic!
Paul: Ohhh, this is no good!
Treguard: Life force at condition red! You have just seconds!
Paul: I remember it now!
Barry: Great! Spellcast it quickly!
Paul: Spellcasting! W E A T H E H!
Barry: No, it's...
(A gong sound is head again, as the last few moments of the life force are shoved in front of the screen)
Treguard: Ooh, nasty.
Paul: Oh dear.
Treguard: Oh DEAR oh dear, it seems you have fallen at the last hurdle. You were doing so well, but in the end you were just one letter out.
Paul: Is Barry OK?
Treguard: Of course! Look in your Magic Mirror, and you'll see Barry is alive and well.
Paul: So he is! Clever, that!
Treguard: You and your brother have traversed further than anyone else in this phase...which is a bit obvious, since you're the first team, but still an occasion worth more than the usual DISMISS. Spellcasting...UNITE! U N I T E!
(P&B are standing outside Knightmare castle)
Treguard: Paul, Barry, the dungeon salutes you. Take these scrolls as proof of your quest.
Barry: Thanks. (takes the scrolls, gives Paul's scroll to Paul) Come on, Paul, let's go home.
(P&B start to take the long walk home)
Treguard: Wait! Since you came so very, very close, I feel that you should have a minor reward of some sort. Hmm...I know! How about I give you...
(P&B are back in the park, with big grins on their faces)
Paul: Well, that was fun! And so nice of that Treguard person to give us what he gave us. Ain't that right, Barry?
(We pan back to see that Treguard DID give P&B the cup...but not THE cup, a massive chocolate replica of it, filled with hot chocolate. P&B are eating from the top, via two ladders, Paul on the left and Barry on the right)
Barry: Yeah! (Takes a bite) Funny how he had something like this lying around in the castle! This ought to last weeks, months, maybe even years!
Paul: You got that right!
Barry: How are we gonna stop it from melting, though?
Paul: We'll put it in the fridge, of course! Oh, rats- I think I just lost my watch in there. I'll put my hand in and try and fish it out.
(As Paul does this, a passer-by in a hurry runs down the road and finds the ladder's blocking his path)
Passer-by: Gerroutofit!
(The passer-by pushes the ladder forward, out of his way, and continues to run down the road)
Paul: Woaaahhh!
(Paul falls into the chocolate with a huge splash. As he emerges, Paul stares down into the cup with an even bigger grin than before)
Barry: Oooh...NASTY!

The Chuckle Brothers: Themselves
Treguard: Hugo Myatt
Golgarach: David Verrey
Man (No Slacking): Jimmy Patton
Hordriss: Clifford Norgate
Billy Hicks: Himself
Passer-by: Brian Patton
Writer: Billy Hicks
(C) 2004/5

Provided By: Billy, 2008-02-27 00:19:45
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