Knightmare Lexicon - A Knightmare Encyclopædia

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1. Catchphrase
Knightmare and Blockbusters are not the only gameshows that were hugely popular on ITV in the 1980s and 1990s, had well-received repeats on Challenge and benefited from exhilarating theme music composed by Ed Welch. These honours are also shared by Catchphrase.

Catchphrase originally ran from 1986 to 2002 (and returned for new episodes in 2013), its presenter for most of that time being cheerful comedian Roy Walker. (Mark Curry, a later Catchphrase presenter, had in 1991 interviewed David Learner (Pickle) and Tony Crowther (Knightmare computer game designer) on the BBC Radio 5 show On Your Marks, with Mark referred to in The Quest as being 'quite a fan' of Knightmare.) Two contestants would attempt to solve 'catchphrases': computer animated puzzles that represented common expressions of all kinds. Many catchphrases featured Mr. Chips, a gold robot.

And Knightmare fan Billy Hicks struck gold when, on Saturday 10th September 2005, he introduced Knightmare Catchphrase to the Knightmare Chatroom. Playing Roy_Walker, Billy hosted a one-round game in which others in the chatroom got the chance to guess Knightmare-related catchphrase puzzles and - as in Catchphrase itself - remove a square from the Bonus Catchphrase upon each correct guess. The game's overall winner, Cocodude, got 'lovely cardboard cut out of Richard O Brian' (sic).

Knightmare Catchphrase (eventually abbreviated to KMCP) returned on 27th November 2005, and started with an intro based on Catchphrase's own, featuring 'teaser catchphrases'. The game consisted of three rounds. Drassil (David) won, his prizes being £700 and Caei for a day. Billy tentatively claimed that a new game of KMCP would be ready by July 2008, but the actual wait was much shorter.

On 5th February 2006, Drassil and Billy presented another round of KMCP with catchphrases that the former had devised. Following another parodic intro ('A dazzling CGI maze unfolds onto the screen, with several CGI Treguards showing the way. Upbeat version of KM theme plays'), a locum presenter came on: star of Baywatch and Knightrider, David Drassilhoff. (This was apparently a cover for technical delays.) Eventually, Roy Walker arrived, ousted Drassilhoff and reclaimed hosting duties ('Only one man should be presenting this show!'). Pooka won the game with £200.

There was more KMCP a fortnight later, run solely by Drassil (as were all subsequent games). Continuing the fanfictional strand, the opening sequence was a parody of Knightmare's original intro:

'A knight on horseback comes thundering along an ancient path. The knight is Roy Walker. As he approaches the foot of a mountain, a monster bursts out of the ground, and from its eyes flashes a Catchphrase...

Sir Roy looks up at the mighty fortress atop the mountain, Catchmare Castle. As he (or rather his horse, Neddy II) gallops up towards it, he passes Mr. Chips behind a barred window, who spits out a Catchphrase...

Sir Roy powers his way through the castle gateway, moments before the portcullis comes crashing riiight down.'

No overall winner was announced. At the end of the game, Roy Walker rode away on Neddy II.

The next KMCP game was on 26th February 2006 and consisted of two rounds with no overall winner announced.

5th March 2006 saw another two-round game of KMCP, with an opening sequence that parodied Knightmare's later intro:

'The camera homes in on a stairwell in a castle tower. A man in immaculate shoes is running down it. It's Sir Roy Walker. (He's not wearing the Helmet of Justice, because if he were, the whole intro would be piss-takingly implausible.)

He reaches a corridor, dashes along it, and comes to a vat of magic dust. As he grabs a handful, Mr. Chips' pet snake pops out the wall and tries to bite him, but Sir Roy is too swift. The snake spits out a Catchphrase...

Sir Roy is dodging his way through a room full of spears. He reaches the door, but it opens onto a vertical drop. Grinning with adrenalin and charisma, Sir Roy jumps, and falls into a lake consisting of a Catchphrase...

Sir Roy is running out of a serpent's mouth along a winding path. He reaches another door, opens it, and flings the magic dust into the air, where it spells out: KNIGHTMARE CATCHPHRASE.'

At the conclusion of the game, Roy exited via a wellway at the back of the studio. It was later explained that Neddy II was unavailable as he had been recruited to play a unicorn in the new Narnia film.

For the two-round KMCP game that took place a week later, Sir Roy entered by dropping through a trapdoor and landing in his feet in front of the audience. It appeared that prize money had drastically increased this time around ('Due to an unexpected bank hei... I mean, windfall, we have £6 million in the Bonus Bank!') but this was later revealed to be 'fresh, crispy Monopoly money'. Disruption caused by an internet connection problem during the game was explained by Roy as being due to a 'wardbrobe malfunction. Yes, Mr. Chips was trying to get to Winteria to get some ice for my whiskey, and the wardrobe fell on him.'

This was the last KMCP game of the series, and in true Knightmare tradition there was an end-of-series plot. Sir Roy received word that David Drassilhoff had kidnapped Neddy II, and was planning to reenact Baywatch with him. With Mr. Chips' help, Sir Roy armed himself with his sword, Wyrmcharmer (a reference to Treguard's sword Wyrmslayer and to Catchphrase's infamous "snake charmer" bonus), and rode off in a mine cart to rescue his steed, moments before phase shift caused the Catchphrase studio to break up.

Drassil shared the fanfictional conclusion to this cliffhanger via Knightmare Chat on 25th June 2006. Roy, now named Sir Roy Cloudwalker, found himself in a sword fight with David Drassilhoff atop a cliff.

Mr_Chips's face appears in the sky.
Mr_Chips: Use the Force, Cloudwalker.
Sir_Roy: I can't, it's trademarked.
Mr_Chips: Then give it a similar tongue-in-cheek name and...
Sir_Roy:Ah shoosh now, you're distracting me.

When Sir Roy stabbed Drassilhoff through the heart, the latter's true identity was uncovered: he was an android created by Weir-Curry Robotics (a reference to the less popular Catchphrase hosts who succeeded Roy Walker).

Drassilhoff: Hahahaha! The real Drassilhoff's body is in cryogenic storage at a secret location, ready to be unfrozen in a post-apocalyptic world when the exhausted remnants of humanity are crying out for a hero. I am one of a series of cybernetic receptables built to store his mind in warmth until such a time.

Sir_Roy mutters a sarcastic "Riiiiiiiiiight" and charges at the Cyberhoff

Just before falling to its explosive doom from the cliff, the Cyberhoff was uttering a cryptic message:

'System damage irreversible. External termination imminent. Commencing emergency engrammatic transmigration of mem...'

Sir Roy subsequently freed Neddy II and rode home 'via the beach, for some reason'.

Drassil continued to create and share Knightmare Catchphrases, even though no further games were hosted in the chatroom. Most can now be viewed among the Fan Stuff on He also scripted a further battle for Sir Roy, this time against impressionist Steve Nallon (who had made himself unpopular with various Knightmare Chat regulars due to perceived overexposure).

Sir Roy Cloudwalker is locked in battle. He swings his sword, Wyrmcharmer, furiously through the air.

Sir Roy: Ah, you're a worthy adversary, and no mistake.

Steve Nallon: *In Thatcher voice* Will the Right Honourable Gentleman please cease his attack!

Sir Roy: No!

Sir Roy sees something in the sky. He looks closely. It's the Bat Signal.

Sir Roy: Hmm. Ah, that's not for me.

Sir Roy hears a voice: "Nooo... to the leeft..." He looks to the left of the Bat Signal, and sees the Mr. Chips Signal.

Sir Roy: Oh my. A new series of Knightmare Catchphrase! They need us back at Catchphrase Castle, Neddy II!

Nallon: *Thatcher voice* The Right Honourable Gentleman will not prevail!

Sir Roy: That's a good guess, but it's not the one.

Neddy II leaps in the air, lets out a milk-curdling cry, and kicks Nallon in the stomach. Nallon falls over.

Sir Roy: Oh, I thought we were on the edge of a cliff again. Darn.

Neddy II kicks Nallon even harder, knocking him 10 miles across land and off a cliff.

Sir Roy: The Riiiiiiight!!! Honourable Gentleman has retired from the house! And now... away!

Sir Roy gallops off on Neddy II... and arrives in the KMCP studio.

Sir Roy: Oh, how I love being a Knightri... I mean, a horse rider!

A cliffhanger ending was also written:

Sir Roy somersaults onto Neddy II and rides off into the set. Looking a bit dazed, he then rides off into the sunset. Sir Roy does not notice Mr. Chips in the corner of the studio, whispering into some kind of communication device.

Mr. Chips: Yes, yes it's me. Yes I know I haven't been in touch for 10 years. I've been busy. Yes, I'm worried about something. It's the Selected One. I think he's in danger. I think he needs our help, and soon...

Due to a waning of interest in KMCP, the next (and possibly final) part of the fanfiction was never scripted in full. It would have involved Pat Sharp making an angelic appearance in the KM Catchphrase studio and revealing that while he'd been off mending problems across the universe with a magical stringed instrument called the Patch Harp, Mr. Chips had been watching over Sir Roy (the Selected One) for him, but had summoned Pat for help after discovering that David Drassilhoff had transferred his consciousness, via the defeated Cyberhoff, into Neddy II. Pat would then have battled Neddy/Drassilhoff and dragged him into a vortex.

A number of Knightmare Catchphrases were also created by Mashibinbin (Robin John Barlow), but these have sadly never been publicly presented.

While further KMCP games and fanfiction seem unlikely, it is hoped that Knightmare Catchphrase provides a fitting tribute to Catchphrase and a source of continuing enjoyment for fans of both programmes.

Provided By: David, 2013-04-29 17:31:39
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